A therapist I once knew said, “Your body doesn’t lie.” I will never forget those words. The physical reaction to a situation that your body has is your truth.
Whether it’s an overreaction, a reaction others might deem ridiculous, an underreaction…it doesn’t matter. It’s your body’s unique reaction and it’s something you have no control over.
Some people can look at a bad car accident, witness all the gruesome details and feel fine. Others might throw up at the same sight.
Today, my tummy hurts and I have pressure in my throat from holding back tears. This is my body’s reaction for the day. Yesterday, I was fine. Tomorrow, I’ll probably be fine, too. But today, I sat in line with dozens of other cars at my boy’s school to collect the stuff they left behind when school suddenly closed two months ago, and the reality of everything hit me hard, all over again.
I am amazed (but not surprised) by society’s reaction to COVID. I see #allinthistogether everywhere. And the truth is, we are. We were all hit hard with the news. We were all in a state of shock, and then we evolved to fear, anger, sadness, acceptance and now, what?? Where are we? Most people I talk to simply say, “I’m over this. I’m totally over this.” I feel the same. But does it matter how I feel? The reality is, everyone is still wearing masks. Most everything (where I live) is still shut down. The world, to me, still feels partially apocalyptic whenever I leave my neighborhood.
Every other post on Facebook is COVID related. How are you dealing? Is it too soon to have playdates? How does everyone feel about getting together with friends? How close is too close? Are you all still wearing masks? My kids are depressed. My two-year old has no interest in playing anymore because there is nobody to play with. I hugged my mom for the first time today (through a giant piece of plastic).
This has all become normalized. I hear rumors that schools might not reopen in the fall. There is talk that a vaccine won’t come out for a year or two, and nothing will feel “normal” until then. Every time I think, “I can’t do this anymore,” I realize, I have to. Just like all of you and everyone else has to.
When I saw Evan’s teacher at school this morning, she ran up to my car to deliver his stuff and peeked inside to look for him. She wanted a moment with him. She wanted to see him…not virtual him…just him.
Connecting with his teacher on Zoom for the past two months, it started to feel “normal” to see her there. But when I saw her in person, in the flesh, I realized how important people are in our lives. People aren’t the same on Zoom. I’ve had get-togethers with family and friends on Zoom and while it has become “normal,” I am realizing how much I miss them. I mean, I knew, but seeing someone in person that has been on a screen until today made me realize that this is not ok. Screen time with people suffices, but does not replace.
I am sad today. Soon, I will be fine. But today, I am listening to my body and feeling what I feel. And I feel sad. I feel like I’ve been going through a breakup with the world. Have you ever had one of those break ups where you lost a true love and nothing felt right for a long time?
I have. It hurts.
I have now officially broken up with my oldest son’s elementary school. I have broken up with the thought of feeling safe to hug other people. I have broken up with a life that knew no COVID. And just like it is with a real break up, there’s no telling how long these feelings will last, even when this time we’re living in becomes a thing of the past and things are back to “normal.” Because I don’t know when that will happen, and I don’t know if we’ll ever feel “normal” again.
Mid-LIFE Reinvention 