We go through life, day by day, some things meaning nothing, other things meaning everything. And we never know when these “everything” moments are going to happen. And sometimes the “nothings” become everything.
My mood yesterday was in the toilet. I found out that my kid’s school district was going virtual until January. January! We ended in-person school in March. That’s almost a year of at-home learning, at-home access to siblings 100 percent of the time, at-home going stir crazy. And my guess is that we won’t go back in January. These thoughts swirled in my head to the point where I was going to chew someone’s head off so I left the house. I put headphones on, pushed Ava in a stroller, and had Evan in tow on his scooter.
I listened to music and enjoyed the evening air, trying to clear my head, even as they chattered in the background. I walked faster and faster with every ounce of anxiety flowing through my veins. My head was about to explode with thoughts. And then I ran into a close friend of mine who lives nearby. She was out walking her dog. She was clearing her head, too.
My friend is a teacher, and she has been shopping for a desk so she can set up her home office, and she can’t find one that she likes. Amazon is back-ordered. Stores are out of stock. She’s frustrated, and I don’t blame her.
My niece, who lives in Colorado, recently went bike shopping with money she got for her 9th birthday. I went with her. The stores were out of stock. Bikes were taking weeks and weeks to be put together. There was no way for her to get one on the day that we went shopping. She was frustrated, and I don’t blame her.
I’m in the middle of getting my master’s degree. If I stop my program, I have to wait more than six months to restart, and I’m not willing to do that. My classes are one month long each, and when one ends, another begins. They’re intense. I read more than 400 pages of textbook every month. I write papers. I do presentations. I do this all with the help of babysitters and friends who sometimes watch my kids. I do this at night. I do this on weekends. I do it when I can.
So what’s supposed to happen when I become a teacher next month? I have a sixth grader, a fourth grader, and a daughter who is supposed to go into transitional kindergarten. I don’t feel that it’s fair to expose her to “school” on a computer, so we opted to put her back into preschool this upcoming year. So, that leaves me with two to teach. Two to keep on track. And my own schoolwork to stay caught up with. Needless to say, I freaked out yesterday when I heard the news.
But during that walk, my friend said, “Oh well, I’ll get a desk when I can. It’s out of my control.” She totally let go. And I realized, that’s what I needed to do, too. What’s the point in freaking out when it doesn’t do any good? All it does is make me feel anxious and unhappy, and why would I do that to myself?
I went home, put Pandora on my phone, and blared it while I took a hot shower. A song I had never heard came on. I Googled it and I can’t find it. But that’s ok. The song had a message, which was that life is full of choices. I decided right then to choose positivity. To choose a better attitude. To be a better role model for my kids, who don’t need my negativity in their life when they’re the ones suffering more than I am by not being able to return to school.
I decided right then to make better choices. Because, the truth is, there are still plenty of choices I have control over. I have control over what kind of mom I am. I have control over what I eat (I’ve lost 21 lbs in the past 6 weeks, which I’ll write more about later). I have control over finding happiness in every single day. I have the choice to be thankful that my family is healthy.
My mindset is up to me. The world feels like it’s falling apart, but I can show up in it however I choose to show up. I feel empowered by that thought. I am the only person who has control over me. I am going to make the best of these times. I am not going to get caught up in the negative, regardless of how easy that is to do these days. There is still plenty for all of us to be thankful for as we navigate these strange, uncertain, confusing times.
We just have to focus on finding those things. And this power lies within us. I am grateful for this shift in mindset that I have embraced. And as I said before, we never know when “everything” moments are going to happen, and we don’t know when “nothing” will become everything. So hang in there, and enjoy the ride as best you can.
Mid-LIFE Reinvention 